Remembering Curt Ziemke: Changes

Dear Friends & Family,

Two years ago I never would have been able to wrap my head around all the changes that we would have to go through with Curt's disease. The saving grace is that everything happens slowly and over time. Take walking for instance. When walking got tough for Curt, he got a cane and a handicap placard so we could park closer and walk less. When the cane was not enough he got a walker, then came a wheelchair that he would use for longer distances, and then eventually he needed a wheelchair full time. On the surface these changes may not seem like a big deal and we have adjusted to Curt's needs pretty easily. However, what happens with each change emotionally is another story.

Take the cane for instance, you can't hold hands with someone walking with a cane. When Curt was struggling for each step, he could no longer walk around the car to open my door, carry bags or put his arm around me. When he began using the wheelchair full time, it was an adjustment to walk beside him and talk to him without being at the same eye level as we were accustomed. In the van he sits behind me, so we talk looking at each other through the rear view mirror.

This week we have had the hardest change yet. Curt is now sleeping in a hospital bed in our room. For 23 years, we have slept side by side. I have felt his breath, his body heat and the security of knowing he was right there beside me. Even when he was away on trips it was ok because I knew he would be back. Now with him a few feet away in a separate bed, I know he is there, I hear him breathe, but I miss him. I cannot just reach over and touch him, I don't feel his warmth, and I know he will never be back in my bed.

This is the reason for my delay in posting an update this week. We moved the hospital bed in our room on Tuesday and it has been quite an adjustment emotionally. Once again, I am faced with feelings of loneliness and helplessness. I lay a few feet away from him, glad that he is comfortable and sleeping well, but heartbroken that this disease is taking him away from me a little more each day. Maybe I should be thankful that I am being prepared for what it will be like living without him.

Love,
Cindy, Curt, Clarissa, Cayden & Corbin