Dear Friends & Family,
My Grandmother Ruth was a great painter. As a child I loved hanging out in her studio looking at all the completed paintings lining the walls and her works in progress. The day before my 9th birthday she asked me if I wanted to learn to paint. She sat beside me and step by step I painted a replica of one of her works. You may think my painting (below, right) looks pretty good.....until you see hers. My Grandmother's seemed flawless to me. I was upset that my strokes weren't as smooth, the water wasn't as reflective and my seagull seemed awkward. I remembered at one point during our day of painting telling myself to just relax and enjoy that I am with my Grandmother, that she is teaching me to paint, and to just enjoy our time together. Seems like a mature thought for an almost 9 year old.
If you have been following our blog, you may think we are handling this journey pretty well. You see the photos, our smiles, our busy life. Everything looks "picture perfect." Although we are making the best of the time we have left together, it is not as easy as we (I) have made it seem. Much like my painting, it is rough and there is a lot of frustration behind it. Recently I realized that by painting a perfect picture (on the blog) I am not being fair to me, our family, people who want to help and others who are dealing with this disease.
Day in and day out, in public, I act as if everything is ok. But as you can only imagine, this sucks beyond belief. There are moments I hate my life. Times when I want to get in my car and drive away and never come back home. The truth is, for each smile in every photo, there are a million tears behind them. Our stomachs are aching as this disease is taking my husband, the kids' father, away a little more each day. My back hurts from the physical demands of taking care of Curt, I am constantly exhausted and feeling stressed. The list in my purse is full of errands that need to be run and things that need to be fixed. Our calendar at home is full of appointments with doctors, social workers, nurses and bath aids. Our hearts are heavy from watching Curt struggle and the frustration that comes with this disease. Our heads are spinning with what the future will hold for our family and how we will go on living without Curt. We are tired, defeated, sad, and depleted. There was a time when we welcomed distractions and looked forward to future plans and trips. Now there are no trips or plans for the future. We have no future. Curt is tired.
Thanks for praying.
Cindy, Curt, Clarissa, Cayden & Corbin
|Park Ave Restaurant with Ed & Julie|
|The musical performance at our church - First Baptist Church of Lakewood|
My favorite event of Christmas!
With my parents, Barbara and The Melanson Family
|Dinner at La Tavolata (Clarissa's work) with Dean-O & Sylvia|
|CIF State Championship Game at The Home Depot Center|
Cousin William's team, De La Salle, won 35-0!
|Watching the game in style! Thanks for the comfy suite, Lynn & Robert!|
|Although we don't get to see Curt's cousin Lynn and family often since they live in No. Cal, |
we love when we get our families together!
|Corbin & Lauryn celebrated their one year anniversary on 12-7-11!|
|Paige's 17th Birthday!|
|Cayden is currently in Big Bear with Paige's family and snowboarding for the first time. He is loving it!|