As the song “Where Are You Christmas”, made popular by Faith Hill for the movie How The Grinch Stole Christmas, plays on the radio, I rephrase the words in my head to “Where Are You Curtis?” Curt and Christmas melt together in one big package. He was the elf of our family. He hung the Christmas lights and did most of the shopping and decorating each year. He was the first one up Christmas morning, with a fire in the fireplace and music on the stereo and full of excitement like a little boy.
"Where Are You Christmas"
Where are you Christmas
Why can't I find you
Why have you gone away
Where is the laughter
You used to bring me
Why can't I hear music play
My world is changing
Does that mean Christmas changes too?
Sadly, our house is not decorated, our lights are not hung and shopping is not on the to-do list (outside of the kids). I hear music playing in the stores, but it stirs nothing inside me. I see decorated houses and Christmas trees and still nothing. Curt is Christmas: He was the light of our family, our protector and inspiration. I know in time, things will get easier, but for now, this is where we are.
That may help answer the question many of you have been asking me: “How are you doing?” My first response is that there is a big hole in our lives. Curt was our everything. Now, everywhere we look, he is there, but not. If that makes sense. During his illness we learned to keep busy and suppress that knot in our stomachs. Nothing has changed in that sense. The knot is still there, along with an emptiness and quietness. It used to be hard for me to sleep because of the sounds he made and the machines that he needed; now the quietness keeps me awake. I find myself thinking about him all night long--sleep just doesn’t come easily.
The kids are amazing. They are hurting and sad, yet finding ways to keep occupied. Clarissa does best when she is busy. She just planned an awesome trip to Lake Nacimiento including all the meals, all the shopping, organized games, a gift exchange and an ugly sweater night. Cayden misses all the man talk he had with Curt; stereos, horsepower, motorcycles, I just can’t help in those departments. He used to take care of Curt everyday after school and now that leaves a hole in his day. Corbin has found an escape through reading. He read 8 books last week. He says the only time he doesn’t think about Daddy is when he is playing video games or reading. Some days it is hard to resume normal activities; we have taken some time off from school and work to just be together as a family. We are staying close, having dinner together each night, but also keeping busy with friends and activities. Just like when Curt was here, we find it best to keep busy.
We are thankful for the cards, emails, texts and prayers. It really helps to know that people are thinking about our family. We appreciate you all! Below is a big glimpse of what’s been happening since Curt passed away on November 23rd.
Cindy, Clarissa, Cayden & Corbin
|Curt always took the kids to K1 Speed Go Kart Racing. |
They didn't waste any time showing me the ropes.
As we raced around the indoor track, I felt Curt was with us.
|The Melansons' hosted dinner at their restaurant La Tavolata. It was a couple days after Curt passed and Carolyn thought ahead to have the men and women sit separately to protect my feelings of not having Curt by my side.|
|Planning Curt's Memorial Service|
|Happy Birthday Mom!|
Ruth's Chris Steakhouse
|Mike & Melissa came from Texas for the Memorial service. |
We took them to our favorite Mexican Restaurant - El Burrito in Seal Beach.