Holes

Dear Friends & Family,

Tragically, while sleeping in his bed, a Florida man was swallowed by a sinkhole last month. He had no warning, no time to run, no time to say goodbye to his family; the earth just opened up and swallowed him. They never found his body. I can’t say that I can relate, but I kinda  can.

It has been 5 months since Curt passed away. These months have been filled with ups and downs, changes and adjustments. December was full of trips and busyness, while January and February were dedicated to remodeling our house, as Curt and I had planned. There was a lull in March - not much going on. As the sinkhole incident was happening in Florida I was well aware of a sinkhole that has been next to me for some time. The hole follows me, always trying to get my attention and waiting for me to fall in. There are times I want to jump in and be swallowed up, there are days I fight to keep the edges from caving in and consuming me but then there are days I feel unthreatened by the lurking sink hole, as if I could fly over it if I needed to.

There is another hole that has been with me since the day he passed. The hole is located in my heart. It hurts almost constantly. If by chance it is not hurting, it only takes a memory, a sound, a smell or his resemblance in my children’s faces to make it begin hurting again.

So I carry one hole with me each day, and I dodge the other hole that is trying to swallow me. I am lucky to have amazing friends who check in on me and fill my calendar with activities and trips and I’m blessed to have my kids whose laughter warms my heart and eases the pain. I am so lucky to have amazing people around me, people who share my journey and support me and the kids. My parents have been amazing with their support for the kids and me. Even though they are sad and missing Curt, they put that aside to encourage us in whatever our plans may be. They are with us through the sad times and the happy and help us plan fun trips and activities. The  kids and I count on my parents for solid advice, help around the house and family traditions. 

I spend a lot of time counting my blessings and giving thanks. I take time to feel the warm sunshine (as Curt would), and I pray continually. With God all things are possible. Matthew 19:26

The love I see each day in my children is what keeps me going. They are each so smart, strong, lovable and fun. Looking at them is like looking at Curt. Being with them is like having a piece of Curt with me. They are each so much like him, I feel he is with me through them. I tell them when they act like their dad or express themselves like him. I am glad we can communicate openly and talk about Curt at any time.

Thank you God and thank you friends for making it possible to continue on. Thank you for the past with Curt, the present with family and friends and the future full of possibilities.

Love,
Cindy

March 2013

My parents are amazing!!!
Redondo Beach, Easter Sunday