Happiness is...

Dear Friends & Family,

"Happiness is not the absence of problems but the ability to deal with them."

Clarissa Ziemke

July 2012

This is Clarissa's favorite quote and how she lives her life each day! We are so proud of her and Cayden and Corbin and how they are so strong and brave in the middle of this storm.

Love,
Cindy & Curt

Clarissa & Cayden took a road trip (13 hours) to Oregon to see Grandpa & Grandma

We have enjoyed listening to Yanni for over 20 years, it was great to see him in concert!

We had a great couple of days at Paul & Lisa's, relaxing in the sun! Thanks for having us!

Lemons

Dear Friends & Family,

I came out of surgery feeling like I had been hit by a train. Literally. I had never experienced such intense pain in my life. It was January 1987, I had just turned 21; the surgery was performed to correct my “S” curved spine; a condition called Scoliosis. The 8 hour surgery included removing one of my ribs (which was used for bone grafting) to make room to insert a Harrington Rod down the length of my spine. I had looked forward to this surgery for quite awhile, hoping it would finally put an end to the back pain I had been experiencing since middle school. I knew if I could make it through the next few hours the pain would lessen each day and after wearing a body cast for six months, I should be pain free. Curt & I were engaged at the time and had our wedding date set for June 4th of the following year, I had to get through this, more than anything, I wanted to marry Curt!

Throughout my recovery my mom and Curt rarely left my side. I could sense the pain I was experiencing was hurting them more than me. I tried my best to keep a smile on my face and not complain too much. More than the physical pain was the emotional pain of seeing my friends come and go, busy with their lives, planning trips and being happy and hopeful. Feeling alone and “stuck” I cried when no one was around. I felt cheated. It’s probably how Curt feels now, alone and stuck. I know he cries in his head and heart, but rarely does he cry in front of us. He is trying his best to be brave and protect us from his pain.  

It’s easy to be “up” when things are going great. The test is when you experience tough times, when things aren’t perfect, where do you stand? Curt has been such an example to our family and everyone that knows him; showing us how to live for the moment and take the bad along with the good. Even with a terminal illness he focuses on the positive and gives his best to everyone. His smile is as gorgeous as ever!

Curt’s health continues to deteriorate each day. He chokes often and eats mainly soft or pureed foods, his speech is barely intelligible, and he can no longer use his hand to drive his wheelchair. He has a lot of chest congestion and phlegm he can not cough up.  He spends more time in bed than out and is uncomfortable most of the day.  He is completely dependent on us and cannot be left alone for a minute. The emotional toll on our family is severe. We all get frustrated trying to discern his words. Sometimes no matter how hard we try we can not figure out what he is saying or what he needs. There is no worse feeling than not being able to understand or help the one you love. We are all defeated, tired and hopeless. We try to get Curt out of the house a bit, but it entails a lot of planning and we can't go too far or be gone too long. The kids have been busy with trips and friends but tend to stick close to home, preferring to have their friends here rather than being away from Curt.

I gaze out my kitchen window each day at our lemon tree, unable to pick them, as they remind me of our life right now. We have lemons and they are growing and multiplying each day. The tree is frail, heavy with lemons and sagging towards the ground. The tree looks sparse, weak and unable to carry the weight of the lemons. But day by day it hangs in there, waiting for someone to come and lighten the load and make lemonade.

Love,
Curt, Cindy, Clarissa, Cayden & Corbin

Our own "Magic Mike" group!
These sweet guys didn't want Curt to have to put a shirt on for the photo so they took theirs off!

Our last night with my parents before they left for Oregon for the summer.

Corbin went to Oregon with Grandpa & Grandma for 2 weeks.

Happy Birthday Mark!

Happy 4th of July at Barbara's!
(Clarissa and Cayden in Palm Springs and Corbin was in Oregon)

We are off to my BIG night (less Curt)
Kenny Chesney (and Tim McGraw) Concert! Yee Haw!
The kids and I, and my date Lisa and 12 of their friends had a blast!



Sunday Funday at Mark & Kelli's! Having fun playing dice!

Breath of Heaven

Dear Friends & Family,

I am waiting in a silent prayer.

I am frightened by the load I bear.
In a world as cold as stone,
Must I walk this path alone?
Be with me now.
Be with me now.

Breath of heaven,
Hold me together,
Be forever near me,
Breath of heaven.
Breath of heaven,
Lighten my darkness,
Pour over me your holiness,
For you are holy.
Breath of heaven.

Do you wonder as you watch my face,
If a wiser one should have had my place,
But I offer all I am
For the mercy of your plan.
Help me be strong.
Help me be.
Help me.

Love,
Cindy & Curt
Breath of Heaven (Mary's Song) by Amy Grant, revised

Happy 6th month anniversary Cayden & Paige!

Clarissa & Cayden cooked an awesome dinner and had fun hanging out this weekend
 while Corbin, Curt & I were in Acton at the Popp's.
Cayden, Alan, Clarissa, Danielle & Shane (Corey in the reflection). 

Curt & I enjoyed a nice relaxing weekend at Paul & Lisa Popp's awesome home, with endless views of the mountains, fresh air and friends!

Bill, Larry, Bernie, Paul and Curt relaxing by the pool!

Longer Days & Stronger Rays

Dear Friends & Family,

When the kids were young I attended a parenting seminar. I remember the instructor asking us “What does your child see and hear when you wake them up in the morning or when you pick them up from school?” Do you wake them up with a frazzled “Let’s go, we’re late”, do you pick them up from school while talking on the phone or with a “Hurry up, we have to get you to practice?” 

I didn’t need that seminar, all I needed was to follow Curt’s example. When he wakes the children (when he was healthy), he would crawl in bed with them and slowly let them come to life. When he picks them up from school or practices he would never be in a rush to the next place, he always paused to see how their day was. He had time to throw the football around or volley the volleyball. He always made conversation with the coaches or other parents. When the kids were young he would bathe them and talk and play while they were in the tub. At bedtime as I read to the kids Curt would almost always join us. The kids knew (and still know) their Daddy loved them by not only his words but also his actions. He is the perfect example of a man “living in the moment.”

Up until he was no longer able, he would walk or wheel out to say goodbye when I left for work and would greet me at the car when I got home. His eyes were always lit up! I knew without a doubt that I was the love of his life! 

Tomorrow is the first day of summer. Normally our family looks forward to the long days and warm nights; carefree and homework free time to just hang out as a family. This summer is not the same. There is a heaviness. Life is a bit dull and mundane, the weekdays run into the weekends with life revolving around Curt’s needs and limitations. We can’t talk about the future because we don’t have one, the present is pretty uneventful and the past is too painful at this point to relive. So here we are in the right now. Unable to travel, plan or even carry on a conversation. What’s the point of our lives right now? I ask myself that almost everyday. We are thankful that he is still here, even in this capacity. Curt loves the sun and we are happy that he can enjoy the hot summer days and the stronger rays that warm his body, tan his skin, and make his smile all the much brighter.

Love,
Cindy, Curt, Clarissa, Cayden & Corbin

Clarissa, Alan, Corey, Kevin, Mom, Cayden, Dad & Corbin enjoyed another great weekend
at my parents Lake Nacimiento house!
Thanks Dad & Mom for being responsible for all the kids and giving them an outlet for fun!

Clarissa broke her hand while off-roading at the Lake.
Her first broken bone!

Happy Father's Day to the best Dad ever!

Before He Was Tan

Dear Friends & Family,

The other day Corbin told me that he doesn't remember Daddy before he was tan (sick). I asked him if he remembered Daddy teaching him to ride his motorcycle, wakeboard or tucking him in bed at night. He said he doesn't remember anything; the way he walked, talked or rode a bike. I have to agree that there are many things I don't remember also; his voice, his mannerisms and his energy.

Corbin and I continued to talk about how our lives have changed. No more weekend trips, not as many play dates, not being able to plan trips this summer and how we have to spend most of our days at home now. Corbin then turned the conversation around and said that we are all getting good rest, we have many friends that come to see us, we have a nice home and pool to enjoy and we can relax more. Corbin never ceases to amaze me. We are thankful for his positive attitude and his ability to show everyone the bright side.

Luckily we have tons of photos and some video of Curt. Since I have no new pictures for tonight's post, it is the perfect night to take a stroll down memory lane with photos!

Meanwhile, please pray for each of us. Things have never been more difficult (I think I keep saying that), but really, it is tough to see Curt battle this horrible disease. We can barely understand Curt's words and it breaks our hearts. We are all having difficulties dealing with what is happening to Curt and have been leaning on each other a lot. We are sad, lonely, defeated and exhausted from this journey.  Thank you for your prayers.

Love,
Cindy, Curt, Clarissa, Cayden & Corbin