An Excerpt from My Personal Journal
Dear Friends & Family,
This week I am sharing an entry from my personal journal. I wrote this entry after meeting up with an acquaintance who proceeded to tell me how great it is that our family and Curt was given this disease. She said, "If anyone can handle it, Curt and your family can. I know some good will come out of this, everything happens for a reason." I know she was trying to be encouraging but it sent me straight to my journal and this is what came out.
December 14, 2010
Things do not happen for a reason. Things happen because they happen. There is no cause and effect in this situation. God is not looking down saying “today I am going to give Curt this terrible disease and devastate his family.” This did not happen so friends could be closer or people could understand the true meaning of life. It did not happen so others could reevaluate their lives and become better people because of the strong person Curt is. It just happened. We were not “chosen” for this disease because our kids are strong and I can “handle” it and Curt has a good attitude. It just happened. Life happens and we are not always in control. We are all here living our lives and what we choose to do with life and how we react to circumstances is our choice.
“We are here for you.” No you are not. You are not in bed with me while I lie awake thinking of how my children will continue on without a dad. Who will walk Clarissa down the aisle, who will be a mentor to Cayden, who will be the male influence on young Corbin? You are not with me when I am wondering how I will get up in the morning and continue on without my best friend and soul mate. You have no idea how it feels to think of having a future with no one to share it with. Who will I talk to when I get home from work? Who will help me make decisions regarding the kids? Who will inspire, support and take care of me? Who will I laugh with? Who will I cry with? Who will help me through losing Curt?
You have no idea how it feels to think of what’s to come in caring for Curt’s physical needs let alone his emotional needs. Who knows what he’s feeling inside. Knowing you are going to die? I am sure he is afraid. What can I do for him? I can do my best to take care of him physically, but what can I do for him emotionally? I calm my thoughts by knowing that when he dies, his dad and grandfather will be the first to greet him in heaven. It is still scary though. I don’t want him to be scared or lonely in his thoughts. But who wouldn’t be? You can preach all day about how glorious heaven is, but has anyone really been there? Yes, we believe and have faith, but who wants to leave the comfort of this life for the unknown.
You are not watching while his legs shake uncontrollably while trying to take a step into the shower or as he struggles to get out of bed. His hands cramp, his legs cramp and he struggles to speak. How does he have the strength to get up each day knowing the tasks that lie ahead of him? Simple tasks such as opening doors, getting a glass of water or brushing your teeth. And it is only going to get worse for him. Imagine the thought of knowing that you are steadily progressing towards total immobilization. Knowing that in the end you will not be able to move, speak, swallow and finally you will suffocate as your breathing muscles die.
Through all of his struggles he remains upbeat and positive. We have often said “you can choose to laugh or you can choose to cry”. We have chosen to laugh. And laugh we do, on a daily basis; around the kids, around our friends, around strangers. But when no one is around, I cry. Oh yes, I cry. Sometimes I cry for him, sometimes I cry for me, sometimes I cry for the kids, sometimes I cry for the world. I cry for the world because Curt truly made it a better place for all. It didn’t matter who you were or your walk of life, Curt was there, opening doors, smiling, being courteous, setting an example of how people should be. He never did it for the notoriety, he just did it.
Please don’t say things happen for a reason. Please don’t say God chose Curt. Our God is a loving God, and He is hurting as much as we are. Please don’t try to reason why this happened or look for the good in it. There is no good in being stripped of the gift of life. Just give us a hug and say you’re thinking of Curt, me and the kids. Take a moment to enjoy the sunrise (with thoughts of Curt), the sunset (with thoughts of me) or newly blossomed flowers (with thoughts of God). He has created a beautiful world full of magical things. Take a moment and appreciate those things. Appreciate your life and all you have.
We are all having a tough time emotionally this week. The kids are being super attentive to Curt as he needs more and more help. Our hearts are heavy. We have spent many nights all snuggled together with Curt at bedtime, just talking. I pray his voice stays, I can't imagine him not being able to talk.
Cindy, Curt, Clarissa, Cayden and Corbin