Train Your Mind

 Dear Friends & Family,

"Train your mind," my boot camp instructor says over and over. He tells us our bodies are strong and powerful we just have to train our minds to think the same way. Lately we have been running a lot in boot camp and "training my mind" to run the distance has been a challenge. I sometimes get discouraged that everything in life seems so hard right now.

For three years now, I have been "training my mind" to think about the present. Every time a thought of Curt dying crosses my mind, I sweep it out. I work hard to concentrate on the moment, on his smile, on our children and what is right in front of me. Lately it has been so hard. Right in front of me, I see a sick man, a skinny man, a man who is losing his smile. He gags and chokes constantly; on soup, on water and on his own saliva. He gasps for air as he is choking. His eyelids are heavy and his body is weak, he slouches in his wheelchair. He prefers to be in bed most of the time. His appetite is low along with his energy level. Deciphering his mumbled words is frustrating for him and us. Knowing his needs comes a bit easier but when he speaks his needs we struggle to understand him.

My stomach is in constant turmoil and the feeling of dread weighs me down. Even as I continue to "train my mind," I lose focus and begin to think about how life will be without him. Quickly I pull my head back into the present only to hear him choke and see him struggle. Life has never sucked as much as it does now. We (Curt & I) feel trapped with nowhere to go and no plans ahead. We are truly living moment to moment.

Please pray for Curt's comfort and for peace for our family.

Cindy, Curt, Clarissa, Cayden & Corbin

Happy Birthday Larry!
Corbin arranged tickets to a Dodger game for him and Larry!

Curt always has fun visiting with Steve-O and George!
Cayden spent 48 hours on his friend's dad's commercial fishing boat.
They fished, snorkeled and swam around San Clemente Island.  
Clarissa had a busy "rush week" with her Delta Zeta Sorority Sisters.

Happy Birthday Barbara, Mom, Nana!
We love you and appreciate all you do for Curt and taking care of him daily.



Christina Buck said...

A friend's mom died recently after going through a severe surgery to remove cancer from her tongue (they removed most of and then reconstructed her tongue). Today I sat in our living room and was thinking about my own mother (who is my primary caregiver) and how part of me feels I will simply be unable to live when she dies, whenever that may be. And then I thought about all of my friends whose mothers have died. They have all survived. I thought of all of my friends in general and thought of how each one of them has experienced loss in their life.

A story I think about often is comes from Buddhism: A grieving young mother from a poor background begged Buddha to revive her dead son. Not only was she heartbroken, but she feared her husband’s wealthy family would punish and shun her for the child’s death.

The Buddha promised to bring the boy back to life if she returned with a mustard seed from a home where death had never visited. She thanked him profusely and set off for town.

The young mother knocked on door after door and heard heartbreaking stories of loss. Finally, she grasped the Buddha’s teaching: that sorrow is a part of life. She returned, bowed deeply to the Buddha, and asked him to help her bury her child.

You are not alone. You are not alone. You are not alone.

peppermtz said...

I am praying for you all to feel the peace that only comes from God during such a difficult and sucky time. I am so sorry that you are going through this. =(