Sometimes....

Dear Friends & Family,

Sometimes I feel like a victim. A victim of this disease, a victim of this universe. I feel the world spinning around me and do not feel a part of it. I watch as families take vacations, as people play at the beach, as commuters go back and forth to work, as people all around me talk and make plans. I hear it, I see it and I do not feel a part of it. Sometimes peoples’ stories of a bad day, troubles with friends or problems at their jobs, seem so simple to me. I feel I have another level to my soul that no one can reach or understand. I asked Curt if he felt the same way and he said “yes”.

Sometimes I feel life is too hard on us right now. Are we not dealing with enough? Corbin breaks his hand, Clarissa breaks her hand, Cayden’s truck gets broken into; causing doctor visits, long waits, talking with detectives, these are all things that take away from our family time and zap my (our) energy.

We are just living day to day. We can’t plan for the future, we can’t go anywhere, we can barely communicate with each other. Curt is uncomfortable and frustrated. It is hard to watch him suffer. It is hard to watch his health decline day by day. It is physically hard to care for him. It is emotionally hard to try to live life as normal and be energetic and positive. It is hard to watch the kids’ hearts being torn apart. I feel all the time that my heart is heavy and breaking, for them, for Curt, for me and for all that know him.

Thank you for all the texts to Curt! He has really enjoyed hearing from so many people. If you would like to brighten his day, send a text to him at (310) 994-7747.

Love,
Cindy, Curt, Clarissa, Cayden & Corbin

30 Years

Dear Friends & Family,

This year marks the 30th Olympic Summer Games, and it is also the 30th year of The Curt & Cindy Story. August 4, 1982 was our first kiss and the beginning of our life together. Unlike the Olympic athletes, we didn't have to train hard, jump over hurdles or battle rough water to get to where we are. With Curt's easy-going attitude and my ability to organize and plan, things have been pretty easy for us. We never longed for fame or medals but dedicated our lives to each other and lifted the other up when needed. It has not been a relationship of endurance but rather a long gingerly stroll along side one another. Now more than ever he is my hero. He battles each day just to get through the day and I am his biggest cheerleader, beside him all the way. Thank you for your continuing prayers for his comfort.

Curt's days are pretty mellow and sometimes lonely. If you get a chance send him a text of a simple hello, a thought or a joke (make sure to include your name). (310) 994-7747. Thanks!

Love,
Cindy, Curt, Clarissa, Cayden & Corbin

Taking Curt for a ride in my new car!

I got to go flying again! Thanks Mike (and pilot Jeff)!

Flowers and chocolates from Curt to celebrate our 30 year dating anniversary!
He wrote the note on the box for me (with a little help from Clarissa)!

And some Opus One wine (thanks Ed & Julie), so delicious!!
I love you Curtis Mitchell!

Crazy

Dear Family & Friends,

It is crazy that we can wake up and go throughout our day seemingly so normal.
It is crazy that random strangers reach out and want to help Curt and our family.
It is crazy how many people park in handicap spaces that don't look like they need it.
It is crazy how Curt can still smile every day.
It is crazy how much our family laughs together every day.
It is crazy that the kids have maintained their 3.5 and above GPA's since Curt was diagnosed.
It is crazy how certain people give and give so selflessly.
It is crazy how a mosquito landed on Curt's nose and stayed there until we could figure out why he was yelling.
It is crazy how much weight Curt has lost and how much easier it is to lift him and maneuver him.
It is crazy that people stop by with food, flowers and hugs; so many caring people.
It is crazy how many people read this blog each week.
It is crazy how my love for Curt gets deeper each day.
It is crazy how we can live as if he is not dying.

Actually....it's not crazy. It is a gift.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13

Love,
Cindy

Happy 18th Birthday Cousin/Nephew Jonathon!

At home with The Guys!

Hanging out with our great friends!



Corbin is off to church camp!

Happiness is...

Dear Friends & Family,

"Happiness is not the absence of problems but the ability to deal with them."

Clarissa Ziemke

July 2012

This is Clarissa's favorite quote and how she lives her life each day! We are so proud of her and Cayden and Corbin and how they are so strong and brave in the middle of this storm.

Love,
Cindy & Curt

Clarissa & Cayden took a road trip (13 hours) to Oregon to see Grandpa & Grandma

We have enjoyed listening to Yanni for over 20 years, it was great to see him in concert!

We had a great couple of days at Paul & Lisa's, relaxing in the sun! Thanks for having us!

Lemons

Dear Friends & Family,

I came out of surgery feeling like I had been hit by a train. Literally. I had never experienced such intense pain in my life. It was January 1987, I had just turned 21; the surgery was performed to correct my “S” curved spine; a condition called Scoliosis. The 8 hour surgery included removing one of my ribs (which was used for bone grafting) to make room to insert a Harrington Rod down the length of my spine. I had looked forward to this surgery for quite awhile, hoping it would finally put an end to the back pain I had been experiencing since middle school. I knew if I could make it through the next few hours the pain would lessen each day and after wearing a body cast for six months, I should be pain free. Curt & I were engaged at the time and had our wedding date set for June 4th of the following year, I had to get through this, more than anything, I wanted to marry Curt!

Throughout my recovery my mom and Curt rarely left my side. I could sense the pain I was experiencing was hurting them more than me. I tried my best to keep a smile on my face and not complain too much. More than the physical pain was the emotional pain of seeing my friends come and go, busy with their lives, planning trips and being happy and hopeful. Feeling alone and “stuck” I cried when no one was around. I felt cheated. It’s probably how Curt feels now, alone and stuck. I know he cries in his head and heart, but rarely does he cry in front of us. He is trying his best to be brave and protect us from his pain.  

It’s easy to be “up” when things are going great. The test is when you experience tough times, when things aren’t perfect, where do you stand? Curt has been such an example to our family and everyone that knows him; showing us how to live for the moment and take the bad along with the good. Even with a terminal illness he focuses on the positive and gives his best to everyone. His smile is as gorgeous as ever!

Curt’s health continues to deteriorate each day. He chokes often and eats mainly soft or pureed foods, his speech is barely intelligible, and he can no longer use his hand to drive his wheelchair. He has a lot of chest congestion and phlegm he can not cough up.  He spends more time in bed than out and is uncomfortable most of the day.  He is completely dependent on us and cannot be left alone for a minute. The emotional toll on our family is severe. We all get frustrated trying to discern his words. Sometimes no matter how hard we try we can not figure out what he is saying or what he needs. There is no worse feeling than not being able to understand or help the one you love. We are all defeated, tired and hopeless. We try to get Curt out of the house a bit, but it entails a lot of planning and we can't go too far or be gone too long. The kids have been busy with trips and friends but tend to stick close to home, preferring to have their friends here rather than being away from Curt.

I gaze out my kitchen window each day at our lemon tree, unable to pick them, as they remind me of our life right now. We have lemons and they are growing and multiplying each day. The tree is frail, heavy with lemons and sagging towards the ground. The tree looks sparse, weak and unable to carry the weight of the lemons. But day by day it hangs in there, waiting for someone to come and lighten the load and make lemonade.

Love,
Curt, Cindy, Clarissa, Cayden & Corbin

Our own "Magic Mike" group!
These sweet guys didn't want Curt to have to put a shirt on for the photo so they took theirs off!

Our last night with my parents before they left for Oregon for the summer.

Corbin went to Oregon with Grandpa & Grandma for 2 weeks.

Happy Birthday Mark!

Happy 4th of July at Barbara's!
(Clarissa and Cayden in Palm Springs and Corbin was in Oregon)

We are off to my BIG night (less Curt)
Kenny Chesney (and Tim McGraw) Concert! Yee Haw!
The kids and I, and my date Lisa and 12 of their friends had a blast!



Sunday Funday at Mark & Kelli's! Having fun playing dice!