Across The Room
Dear Friends & Family,
From across the room I can feel him. Although he is talking to others, I feel he is watching me. Not literally watching me, just kind of watching with one eye (if that makes sense). I am also watching him, more like feeling him; feeling his presence, his energy, hearing his voice and laughter. I feel that from across the room he is supporting me. He knows what I am saying. He admires me as I am. He gives me confidence, makes me feel smart and validates me. When I need him, he is always there to chime in with a fact (name, date, type of car) whatever it is I forgot. Between the two of us we can usually remember the complete story; otherwise I always forget an important detail.
Friday night we were at a party at the Drake’s house. Curt was sitting across the patio from me in conversation with somebody else. As I looked up at him, he was looking at me. He gave me that ever so slight smile. That’s where the confidence thing begins with me. It is kind of hard to explain, but when he looks at me, I feel like I am in the right place, with the right people, saying the right things.
For a moment that night, I got lost in thought of the future. Wondering what it would be like without him across the room. What would I do without him, how would I feel, did my jewelry match, was I wearing the right shoes? Would I even go to a party without him? What would I talk about? How would I feel surrounded by all these couples who have been happily married for many years? How would I feel without my best friend? I cannot imagine myself without Curt by my side (or across the room). As I was deep in thought, Rae Lynn snapped me back to reality with her “Hey Cindy, right here, come on now”. I can always count on my friends to keep me in the moment (which is where I prefer to be). It is way too painful to think about a future which is out of my control. I have no idea what lies ahead and can’t even begin to imagine how it will feel to be alone. For now, I just try to keep breathing as the pain crushes my stomach and my heart.
We had a great time in Las Vegas on Sunday. On the way there Hwy 15 North near Victorville was closed due to an accident. We took Stoddard Springs Road which turned into a dirt desert road. We sped down the 20 mile road blasting Garth Brooks, stirring up a big old dust cloud behind us and laughing with the kids all the way. This crazy detour was one of the highlights of our trip. The people who took the regular Cal-Trans highway detour really missed out! Another highlight was our awesome rooms at the Wynn Hotel. We were on the 25th floor overlooking Treasure Island and their famous pirate show. We spent a lot of the night looking out our floor to ceiling windows at the amazing Vegas skyline.
The Garth Brooks Concert was great! He is an amazing entertainer, story teller and guitarist. It was fun sitting together as a family and being entertained.
We took turns pushing Curt around the hotel in his manual wheelchair. Although he got a lot of stares, he had a good attitude and even asked another person in a wheelchair if they wanted to race. I know it was hard on him to accept that he couldn’t walk through the huge hotel and had no choice but to use the wheelchair. The distance he can walk is getting shorter each day. One positive thing I have noticed over the last few weeks is that the deterioration of his speech has stabilized. There for awhile he would really struggle to talk if he was tired or had a few drinks. Now although his speech is a bit slow, it seems stable throughout the day. Maybe it was the stem cell treatment? Now if we could just get his legs stabilized!
We are looking forward to spending the 4th of July Weekend at Lake Nacimiento. It will be just us, the kids and their friends. We are excited about boating and having fun in the sun!
We love our friends and family and appreciate your prayers.
Cindy, Curt, Clarissa, Cayden & Corbin